*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
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911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Finally! 😈
What is going on? 😅
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Pot warmers of the day.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.