I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
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I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
got so much cardio in today
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
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Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”