Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
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Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
me when i see my girls butt
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral