Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
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A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
My birth announcement for our third baby
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me