*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
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Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”