when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
You Might Also Like
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future