I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
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Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
LMAO.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.