*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
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*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Guilty! 🤪
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.