The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
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Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
And now we wait
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.