[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
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I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it