Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
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Imagine having a party on purpose.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game