The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
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Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently