HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Cartman: Respect my
a a
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.