In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
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the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”