My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
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Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
sry
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Hell yeah 👍
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.