[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
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if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
i’m still crying at this
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space