Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
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I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.