I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
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Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
the official breakfast of 2021
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.