wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
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12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”