*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
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Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.