[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
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Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?