What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
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Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”