Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
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A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?