“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
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I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band