Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
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COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n