the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
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The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex