Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
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I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”