Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
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Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
idk what he going thru but i feel him