Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
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Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.