I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
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6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
This one’s “Alex”.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.