To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
You Might Also Like
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.