That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
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Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait