Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
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Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?