People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
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Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.