[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
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Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man