*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
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If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.