“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
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Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Hey I worked for it too!
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.