[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
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“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding