What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
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I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?