stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
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Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.