I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
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ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Me too, bag. Me too….
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them