My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
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If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Life with a cat in one tweet
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.