No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
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Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
I can fix him.