Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
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I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.