I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
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subtitles are so good nowadays
This is why I hate group projects
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Succinctly put.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless