Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
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cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist