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“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
New tinder profile pic
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.