me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
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water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
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Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”