Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
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There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?