Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
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Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Strange
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.